What’s Next?

It has been a hot minute since I have felt like I have had the energy to put words to metaphorical paper. I have had a rough few months. Mental illness has been winning the battle. I have allowed it to take over and to consume too much of my being. I am re-engaging in the war. It is a battle I fight every minute of every day. Most days I don’t feel like I have the strength to continue on. But I do. Taking life one moment at a time seems cliche, but it is my truth.

I have been slowly making changes to my life to improve my mental health. A lot of these changes have been hard. I have changed medications, had adverse reactions, felt like I was going to die, and rebounded. Medication helps about 45% of the time. I wish I could say it worked more reliably. I wish I could say it was magic and it made me better. It takes the edge off. But I am learning that I have to take the bad to get to the good. I can’t dwell on the bad, that’s the easy way out.

The hardest decision I have made was to quit my job. I feel like a failure. It is impossibly complicated to express what it feels like to admit you can’t do something that “normal” people do daily. I had been at my job for 8 years. It was a wonderful job, I had fantastic and supportive coworkers, my former boss is one of my best friends. But I had to walk away. I hope in time everyone I worked with can understand why I had to do it. I always fear that I am seen as weak, as a quitter. The biggest realization I had was, I was in the healthcare field, I couldn’t help anyone else if I couldn’t help myself. Walking away was the only way I could help myself.

So, here I am. It has been one week. I still feel empty. I still feel worthless. I hope that in time these feelings will change. Until then, I will keep going one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Depression is a liar and a thief.

Contemplate the trees

Good Clean Fun!

It’s amazing how important fun is to you mental health. I always hear, make sure you exercise, it will make you feel better. And it does. But the thing about depression and anxiety is, it tends to rob you of joy, of fun. I forget what it is to enjoy things. When I walk or run it stops being fun and it only becomes function. A thing I do to clear my brain. Don’t get me wrong, that is important too. But the fun!

Yesterday I had the pleasure to participate in the Denver Bubble Run. It’s not fast, you’re never gonna PR, but it’s just good clean fun. But the best part? I had the pleasure to watch my favorite almost 6 hear old tackle it on her own two feet, for the first time. We’ve been doing this for 4 years now, every year she’s been in the stroller. Not this year! And watching her joy made me remember why I started this to begin with.

When I turned 30 I decided to take up running. It just felt like something I needed to do. I wanted needed a challenge. I needed a kick to clean up my life.

I had always envied people who ran Disney races. I wanted to be a part of their world. There were so many different choices, it seemed like a fun community, and the best part was I didn’t have to look like a runner to do it! So I bit the financial bullet and signed up.

The first year I convinced my friend Kelly to do the Neverland 5k with me at Disneyland. I was ready, but I wasn’t half marathon ready. But as soon as we got there I regretted it. I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to say I was a half marathoner. I wanted that big shiny medal.

The next year, my 31st year, I completed my 1st half. It was slow and a little painful, but the most remarkable experience. Tinkerbell was a blast, RunDisney sure knows how to do it right.

What I learned, though, is the running community is an amazing place. If you do the distance, you are in! It didn’t matter that I was over weight or slow, it didn’t matter if it was 1 mile or 26. I finished MY race and that was all that mattered! No where else are the terms that simple.

After 7 half marathons, numerous 5 and 10ks, 2 stress fractures, and a torn calf muscle, I am taking the next couple seasons off from big numbers. Initially that decision wreaked havoc on my mentality. I realized I was putting too much emphasis on my identity through the numbers, not how those numbers helped me mentally.

This year I have been focusing on fun. Fun runs, 5ks, running with my sister from another mister and her mini. And guess what? I’m ok. I’m probably more than ok. There’s zero pressure. We are just there to support local charities, be healthy, and most of all have fun!

What do you do purely for joy? Take a minute. I think we forget whatpure, unadulterated joy and happiness looks like. Depression steals that, but so does adulthood. I challenge you all to go out and find something that just makes you smile. A smile like this.

Shine your light. Fly your flag.

Rooting Yourself

Its a cool and rainy afternoon here in rural Colorado. An oddity for late July. It is also a beautiful afternoon to do a little grounding exercise. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, grounding is technique to help keep someone in the present. Grounding can help to re-orient someone to the present and back into reality. It has been found to be helpful in managing overwhelming feelings and intense anxiety.

I have used grounding in some form on and off for a few years. I most likely have done some form of it, unknowingly, for much longer. I find that an exercise like this is extremely helpful not just during an episode of intense emotional stress, but also as a common practice to help prevent some of the more frequent symptoms of my anxiety.

Grounding Exercises

There are 6 basic grounding exercises; observing, self soothing, breathing, distraction, using your 5 senses, or using your body. Not every exercise works for every person. Not every exercise works for every situation. That is the beauty of adding this to your coping toolbox, its versatile. Most of these exercises are simple, they can be conducted anywhere and without anyone knowing you’re doing them.

Here is a link to a post that has some more information about the various practices. http://www.tothegrowlery.com/blog/2017/4/18/six-different-types-of-grounding-exercises-for-anxiety-intense-emotions

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Today I had some practice with my 5 senses. I took advantage of the rain and the cool weather. I made a cup of tea and sat on the porch. I took time to feel the warmth of the mug in my hands, the cool and the wet of the rain on my legs and feet. I closed my eyes and scanned my body, visualizing the temperature differences. Using temperature extremes can help to shift the brain quickly back into reality. I also spent time breathing deeply the cool, clean, fresh scent of rain in the air. Listening to the sounds of the rain hitting the earth, the birds chittering and watching them swoop through the drops. There is something visceral about engaging all 5 senses deliberately. Dare I say, it brought me peace.

In a world that praises speed and is consistently chaotic, loud, and overwhelming, it can be a daunting task to find even a shred of peace or calm. It can be doubly hard when you are also battling the chaos of your own brain. I challenge you, my dear friends, to take a minute or two this week and try out a grounding technique. Try to find one that works for you. It doesn’t have to be big or showy. I keep a rock in my purse for when I feel overly anxious or overwhelmed in a crowded place. I can discretely reach for this solid, tangible object, feel its shape, texture, and weight. This simple act can bring me back to a state of normalcy when I feel like nothing is ok.

Shine your light. Fly your Flag.

Hair and Self Care

Blue hair do care

I get asked a lot about my hair. Its my signature. It’s one of the few things I like about myself consistently. It is the epitome of my self expression. It is the one thing in my life I have complete control over.

People ask me constantly who “does” my hair. The simple answer is me. I used to think it was because I was frugal and kind of lazy. But the honest truth is, it is all about control. I control the outcome. If it sucks, it’s on me. If it’s awesome, it’s on me. In the midst of panic, anxiety, depression and everything else I feel completely helpless over, I am always looking for something I can control, something that is healthy.

For me that’s hair. I’ve been coloring my own hair for as long as I can remember and I’ve been cutting my own hair on and off for 10 years and exclusively for about 4. There is something so freeing about slathering smelly goop all over your head and waiting for the final outcome.

My hair has been every color of the rainbow. I love how I feel, I love when little kids look at it wide eyed and ask me if they can touch it, I secretly love the judgmental looks of middle aged women who think I’m too old for purple hair. I love the elderly ladies who come into my office to show me the streaks of color their granddaughters put in for them because they loved how mine looked. Its amazing how something so simple gives me a purpose.

The one thing that confuses me, though, is when people tell me I’m so brave for wearing my hair the way I do. What is brave about self expression? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what most of these people are trying to say. I wish we lived in a world where confidence in oneself isn’t brave, its normal. Where finding a healthy form of self care isn’t seen as a courageous step, it’s just what we do.

When you feel out of control, when those feelings of harm and hopelessness try to take you over, find your safe and healthy thing you can control. Find the one thing that makes you feel calm. For me it’s my hair. For some its baking, meditation or yoga, painting, sewing, or gardening. I encourage you to find something that makes you feel in control of your life.

Shine your light. Fly your flag.

3 Things

Down 4# and a lot of tears at Weight Watchers this week. Our leader asked where I was for a few weeks and I was finally honest. One week was my birthday, one was a holiday, but the others were missed because I had a major mental/emotional break down and couldn’t function.

I hate myself, I hate how I look, self loathing is my baseline. I’m not in a good place. But I’m working out. I’m taking my meds. I’m back to meetings. She requested that by the end of the meeting she wanted me to think of 3 things I like about myself. It didn’t have to be big, life changing things. Just something.

It was difficult, not impossible. This challenge can be gut wrenching. I am not nice to myself. I am ALWAYS my own worst enemy, no bully could come close to saying things as hurtful as I say to myself. The idea of having to say something nice was so foreign to me. Why? Self love should be simple. I should be my own best friend. But my brain cant quite grasp the idea. Kindness and compassion towards others comes so easily. Why can’t I complete this basic task for the one person in my life that needs it most?

I challenge you all to think about this today too. Share if you want. Just know there is always something good.

Here are my 3.

1. I am very good at making others feel better, seen, and/or heard.

2. I have great hair.

3. I am a wealth of semi useless knowledge that always comes in handy in weird situations.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me. This is an experiment in healing and self discovery. I have been looking for ways to augment my mental health journey in a safe and expressive way.

I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It took me nearly 35 years to be able to put a voice to the darkness that lives eternally inside me. By giving it voice, I have finally started a journey towards healing.

I know I will never be cured, but maybe I can make life a little more liveable.

Hugs,

Nicole

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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